Saturday 9: Lie to Me

1. Can you tell when someone is lying to you?

99% of the time, yes.

2. Tell us about one of your flaws. Do you live with it or try to correct it?

I'm extremely impatient, and I try to do both.

3. When was the last time you laughed hard and what struck you as funny?

A parody of Kelis' song "Milkshake" in Victorianesque language: "My milkshake bringeth forth more menfolk to the yard. Verily, 'tis better than thine."

4. Tell us about a time when you should have tried harder.

I should have tried harder to make grad school work, but just didn't have it in me then. I'm considering grad school again, but I don't know that I have it in me now, either, and I really don't relish the thought of more debt. Sigh.

5. If you won the lottery, what would you buy first?

Real estate.

6. What movie do you know every word to?

"Grease", "Airplane!"

7. What was the best thing that happened to you this week?

Getting to spend more time with my husband because he took vacation to be with me for the first ten days after the ankle surgery.

8. What was the worst thing that happened to you this week?

Having an allergic skin reaction to the boot that replaced the cast. I was up half the night with it and my leg still looks like a bad '50s sci-fi monster.

9. What do you think is the biggest difference between men and women?

That is a really tough question, because so much of the way individual men and women react has to do with societal gender roles and how much they do or don't buy into them. I don't know if there really is an answer.

This boot's not made for walking

I am now wearing a boot, kind of a combo of an '80s moon boot for snow and a platform sneaker of some kind, perhaps worn by KISS in casual mode (onstage, I'm pretty sure it's platform heels or nothing for them). It's heavier than the cast was, but a damn sight more comfortable. The doctor cleaned the wound and it helped, but no razor or lotion below the dressing site for a while longer (...what do you do with a dream deferred...?). I don't mind my doughy little pale leg in this photograph because you can see my new purse, which is my Favorite.Purse.Ever (to date--as a self-proclaimed purse addict, forever is a long time).

The nurse griped at me because I have resorted to putting some weight on my foot for balance if it meant the immediate difference between vertical and horizontal status, but my X-rays (hella-painful to pose for) apparently looked good. On the 26th of this month, I go back and will be cleared to start walking in the boot. A couple of weeks after that, I transfer to a brace with a regular shoe. (Hopefully, some of my existing shoes will accommodate a brace.) The doc gave me another scrip for Demerol and told me not to worry about still having pain only a week out.

I am glad to have the scooter, but it has its limitations. I took out part of the wall trying to get into our front bathroom yesterday.

I think I am still losing weight, which blows my mind. Clothes are still getting too big on a regular basis.

Lastly, I think I shall celebrate President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize today by watching AbFab DVDs and popping pain pills. God bless America.

Just add Demerol

My brain has left the building; I feel dumber than a bag of hammers. It must be the Demerol. I try not to take it all the time, but when my ankle starts hurting or hurts too much to sleep and enough time has elapsed, I take another one. People call me and I can barely carry on a conversation. I feel like reading a book is too much of a commitment; a magazine or a catalog is plenty. I have watched more bad TV in the last week than I care to even document. Usually, I have the laptop on at the same time as the bad TV and either go on Facebook or look at stuff I'd like to have but can't afford. I've spent many hours surfing Ebay. Yesterday I searched things that had "ugly" in the item description--ugly shoes, ugly lamp; it's a fairly entertaining time-killer. Give it a try sometime.

My cast itches worse by the day and it feels kind of loose now. My ankle just feels generally weird. I know there are screws in it, but they are the kind that absorb into the tissue and don't have to be removed. I swear I can feel them in there; I think the doctor cautioned me this would happen. It's hard to remember everything, but my week-after-surgery appointment is tomorrow. It will be my first time attempting to leave the house with the scooter. I believe this infernal cast will be removed on this momentous occasion, replaced by a Velcro-trimmed boot of some kind, which I will have the option of removing from time to time.

Wow. When the sum total of my dreams is equals washing my leg--lotion being the shining cherry on the cake of said dreams--I have no choice but to conclude: Yes. It is the Demerol.

Frappuccinos: the post-WLS reasonable facsimile

I miss Frappuccinos. Not the kind they mix up at the coffee place, though those are good, too. I always preferred the ones that came ready to drink in the little bottles. I liked the convenience, sometimes they were available on sale, and my cats always enjoyed chasing the crackly piece that sealed them shut. After gastric-bypass surgery, due to the sugar content, they are not an option.

The folks at BariatricEating.com carry a line of protein drinks that feel somewhat similar to Frappuccinos-in-a-bottle. Frankly, I am thrilled to come face to face with some much-desired flavor variety. Protein bullets are "fruit punch" or "orange sunshine"; Amino 2222 is fruit punch; Muscle Milk is chocolate or vanilla, the scarcely-available Muscle Milk mocha latte tasting like the MM chocolate; the Pure Protein shakes are chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, banana or cookies and cream, the last of which tastes suspiciously like the corresponding beverage's chocolate flavor also. There are some powders I have not yet tried on the Bariatric Eating site, but I have had bad luck with the powders so far. I have great expectations, however, due to the fact that there is some further flavor variety to be had. (My pocketbook forbids me trying more than one or two new of these things at a time.)

The brand of these drinks is Believe and they come in Soothing Chai Tea, Italian Cappuccino, and Mocha Latte. They have 20g of protein and 3.5 g sugar in each single-serving bottle.

I took the plunge and ordered a case of the chai tea, since I love chai tea, particularly iced. Initially, I found it a bit bland, but after adding two packets of Splenda it tastes great. I tried adding a teaspoon of vanilla extract as well, but that was too much. The Splenda made it perfect.

Low-energy day

Today could have been the prototype for a low-energy, recovering-from-surgery day. My beloved went to Costco and got me protein bullets; I watched the entire first season of "Hung" on HBO On Demand. I loves me some On Demand, and "Hung" is a pretty good show.

This afternoon, two big boxes of clothes arrived from one of my lovely lifelong friends who currently lives much too far away. I love them all, and the pants are the next size I'm going to be in, which is very cool. I also hit a 50% off clearance sale on Torrid.com and got some serious deals on foundation garments in dwindling sizes. (Oh, how I love Torrid. Dressing like a grownup is so overrated.) I also managed to bathe without assistance this morning, which was a huge triumph. It also allowed my beloved to snore loudly and peacefully for an extra hour or so. I am in favor of extra sleep whenever possible, and definitely in favor of my bathing independently. Asking for help = not my favorite thing.

I also weighed myself standing on my good foot, and weighed about what I thought I would. I am a little afraid of gaining while I recuperate, but that's rather neurotic given that my food and calorie intake is so limited. You can take the girl out of bulimia...

Quiet day

So here I am in a cast. The cats have been more affectionate than usual, as they tend to do when their people get sick. Mr. Salted has been doing everything, the poor guy. The most I've managed to do is help him fold laundry and get coupons together for grocery shopping.

I'm getting more adept at hopping, finding places to brace myself for support, and maneuvering the scooter. The scooter is great--the hardest part is having control while getting up or down from a seated position. My legs are getting all bruised and banged up from hitting them on the scooter--I still don't know quite where it ends and I begin. All three cats are afraid of the scooter. I have, however, caught one or another of them catloafing on the shower chair at random times.

My leg hurts quite a bit, more than I thought it would--I ran out of the liquid Demerol quickly and requested (and got) Demerol capsules. My bariatric surgery center said capsules should be okay since I am two months out--and it seems to be working fine. It just makes me sleepy and, above all else, stupid. (For the record, I'm not a fan of being stupid, but sleeping? Always welcome.)

I also forgot about the classic cast problem--yearning to itch. This thing comes off on the 8th and I get a boot.

I keep thinking, "I'm home! I have time and a laptop! I should be writing!!!" Then I think, mindless TV with random nap attacks sounds so much better. Sigh.

Ankle surgery

Ankle surgery was yesterday. The surgeon said it went well. My anesthesiologist was gorgeous (couldn't have been a day over thirty if that). I wanted to introduce him to my dear friend's 21-year-old daughter immediately. I told her I'd wait until I got the bill, then we can Google him and find out if he's single. For a brief moment, I turned into one of those women who says, "I would love for you to meet my granddaughter/daughter/niece/friend!" It was a strange feeling.

I checked into the hospital at 7:15, my procedure was at 9:30, and they discharged me about 1 pm. They had given me a block behind my knee in shot form--the shot hurt like hell because Dr. Gorgeous or Dr. Gorgeous' Assistant hit the nerve just right, causing the pain to run up and down the entire back of my leg. They gave me my general anesthetic shortly thereafter, and the next thing I knew, I was coming to in the recovery room.

When we got home, we were disappointed to discover that the suitcase ramp we bought on Craigslist for such a great price was too steep for me to use getting into the house. I ended up scooting backwards into the house on my butt. Maybe when I get more used to operating the knee scooter and am less loopy on Demerol, I can still master the ramp.

The block behind my knee kept my leg numb for the first 24 hours, but began wearing off today. When it did, I started taking the Demerol. It quiets the pain, but it still hurts. The cast is big and bulky and my leg is yellow from some weird iodine soap they used on it in surgery.

I'm getting used to the scooter, but wow. Mobility is something most people take for granted; when you lose it--even partially and temporarily, as this situation is--you realize what a blessing it is to be able to move normally.

They weighed me before surgery--233, so two pounds less than the day before (which is odd, but I'll take it!). That made me happy. It occurred to me this evening that I won't be ABLE to weigh myself until I can use this foot again. So, no obsessing about the number on the scale. It will almost feel like a vacation!