I want stuff, and so...

Life is really amusing sometimes. I met with my former coworker/friend last night. A friend of hers adopted my former trouble-child cat; he is on vacation, she is taking care of the cat, and I wanted to go down and visit. We did, and had a nice time. Just sat there for four hours or so, petting and playing with the cat and shooting the bull. We worked very closely together for a little over two years, and I really like her and miss working with her, but she's insanely busy so we tend to just catch up every few months. This was a great excuse to do so; as a bonus, the cat and new owner are a really great fit, which was also heartening to see.

I quit the job where I worked with this gal because I just couldn't handle the stress. It was in the low-income subsidized housing industry. The agency I worked for was a classic nonprofit--chronically understaffed and underfunded--and the boundaries of my job were about as clear as an Etch-A-Sketch someone just shook. I developed severe stomach problems no one could diagnose, and I had every expensive diagnostic test in the free world, including the one where you eat half an egg-salad sandwich with the crusts cut off so the radioactive waves can read how your stomach is digesting it. Those tests determined absolutely nothing.

Then I had what I thought was a heart attack; after a couple of horrible tests where I was shot full of something that made me break out in hives all over my body, they determined there had been no heart attack; by process of elimination, I assume now that it must have been a panic attack.

Almost immediately thereafter, I began to have migraines--to the point where I had to get Toradol shots and lie in a dark room with occasional vomiting episodes for several days. At this point, I had had enough pointed telegrams from the universe and decided not to wait for the lightning bolt and/or death--I quit the job. I tried to work part-time for them for a while after resigning from full-time, but the stress level decreased not one iota. I did do some writing for them--a Standard Operating Procedures manual. My relationship with them as a contractor ended about a year ago. I've stayed on good terms with everyone I worked with there, and kept in touch with my boss and several other folks. A good replacement was made for my position, but they are still understaffed because they have acquired more properties.

So, they are in a bad way and really need some help; according to my friend, they will allow me a key, let me come and go as I please, and work around my schedule. I don't have to deal with people, I'll just be doing paperwork, which is what I'm best at anyway. There aren't a lot of people running around for them to hire who are (a) available and (b) have the training and certifications in this field that are necessary, and hey! I REALLY want a laptop. Preferably a MacBook. I could use a new Ipod, too. And we need the money, period. So I said, what the heck? I'm not earning anything or drawing unemployment so there are no real conflicts if they work around the medical stuff. I emailed them my terms today; they're supposed to contact me Monday. If I get stressed out again? I'm done. No harm, no foul. A little extra cash.

Thursday Thunks, last week and this

Thanks to "Through Thick and Thin", I am getting hooked up with blogs with memes on them...like a moth to a flame, I am.

1. Have you seen the new Star Trek movie, and if so what did you think?

I went because I love Mr. Salted. It was just all right for me. (thank you, Randy Jackson)

2. Which popular sitcom character (past or present) are you most like?

I'd say Roseanne, but I don't have any kids. I'm probably more like Jackie, so I'd say I'm a combo of the two.

3. What kind of dreams do you have?

Strange, detailed, thought-provoking, disturbing. Never boring. Wake up scratching my head.


4. Bugger it. Go get a tattoo and come back. Right, now answer me this, what ees eet?

One of my paintings, the eyes of Buddha, and/or a memorial tattoo for my dearly departed friend.

5. Do you think you could be on American Idol with the singing voice you have now without any voice training?

No way.

6. How much wood, would a woodchuck chuck? If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

My answer is always the same--if he's chucking it and I'm not, I could care less!

7. If you were a tree in a Dr. Seuss book, what would you look like?

I'd be shaped like the Lorax.

8. Twilight? I'm addicted/Who cares/What the hell is Twilight?

I've only read the first book, and I have seen the movie. I think they are poorly written; I want to slap Bella upside her head, and Edward is a douchebag.

9. Do you think Kimber and Berleen do a dube while writing these questions?

I don't know, I just started :)

10. What the worst injury you've ever had?

The ankle that I broke 20 years ago that I now have to have reconstructive surgery on. Boo. Hiss.

11. What is your favorite dessert?

Chocolate mousse, apple pie, lemon pie. I'll take things I'm not supposed to eat anymore for $500, Alex.

12. What do you prefer...beach or mountains?

Beach. But I like beaches wear you wear sweaters, like the Oregon Coast.

13. What movie have you seen that still make you cry? Oh, a ton. "The Business of Fancydancing" about killed me.

14. Why are you making me submit a question? Are you too lazy to think of one yourself?

Again, I just started. :)

15. how often do you do laundry?

Pretty much daily. There are always towels and blankets and stuff to wash even if I'm caught up on clothes.

16. What is your favorite movie of all time, and why?

"American Beauty" is one...it's a beautiful illustration of human frailty.

17. If you won a million dollars in the lottery, would you keep working?

NO WAY!

18. If there was a war of the gummies, would you be on the gummi bear side or the gummi worm side?

Bears.

19. What's your favorite comic strip?

I love Pearls Before Swine.

20. Close your eyes… imagine you are in the perfect room/place… describe it.

I'll do a room. Hardwood floors, doors/windows/entryways that are rounded at the top, lots of natural light, built-in shelves full of books, walls a light color, a cool rug, a comfy sofa, a little desk with a laptop, a window seat, a cat or two...

21. How many states have you been in?

WA, OR, CA, NY, ID, MT, CO, NY, VT, MA, CT, RI, NH, VA, DC, FL, IL, NJ, NV...19.

22. If a sexist Man is called a pig, what is a sexist Woman called?

I'm stealing Through Thick and Thin's answer..."smart".

23. You see the one person who you absolutely despise. If you were guaranteed that he/she couldn't say or do anything back to you.... What would you do??

Make his heart stop with the sheer power of my mind.

24. How many states are to the right of you?

All but 4, so...55.

25. You can go anywhere in the world for free. Where are you?

I'm in England. And I may not come back.


26. HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?

Three.

27. Are you a boxing fan? Do you think there will be a rematch of the Hatton-Pacquiao fight?

No. I have no idea. I feel bad for Mike Tyson because his daughter just died.

28. What is the most disgusting thing you have ever eaten?

Squid. And my grandmother's potato salad. They were nowhere near each other and this did not happen at the same time. She uses Miracle Whip, and that is Just Wrong.

29. Is it cloudy right now?

Yeah, the type that burn off.

30. What is your dream job?

Not really having or needing one...I would (a) seriously pursue writing and (b) go volunteer with animals so I could play with them and walk dogs part-time--after my ankle's fixed and I can walk again.

31. Someone gives you a $500 gift card to WalMart or Target. What are you going to buy? A laptop.

32. When you were little, what did you want to be "when you grow up"? And, how much different is your occupation now from where you thought it would be when you were younger? I never wanted to be anything but a writer. I don't really have an occupation right now so I'll have to get back to you on that answer.

33. what was your favorite toy as a child?

A pen and paper.

34. How do you think these things up??

My mind is quick like a bunny. My body, not so much.

35. Why do you think so many "fake" veterans get away with pretending? Why don't people question them more (especially the media who eats up their stories?)

Because most people would rather believe the best about people, and want to believe heroes exist.

36. What is the last place you had a good cry and why?

At home. It's safe here. And life.

37. What do you mean?

I mean what I say.

38. Which Sesame Street Character do you relate with the most and why?

Cookie Monster. I still want to marry him, but it would be like marrying my Muppet doppelganger.

39. What song one would you listen to over and over if you absolutely had to?

"Scarborough Fair"

40. Did you ever make what you believed at the time to be a horrible mistake - that in hindsight turned out to lead you on the best path in your life?

I quit grad school. That was a really good decision.

41. If you could change one thing on your person, what would it be?

Weight. Especially stomach.

42. What’s your favorite show to watch on television nowadays?

"Breaking Bad". It's fantastic.

43. Do you believe there is life after death?

Yes.

"The Emotional First-Aid Kit: A Practical Guide to Life After Bariatric Surgery" by Cynthia L. Alexander, PsyD

This book has an extremely straightforward tone without a lot of touchy-feely. ("You only have one chance for success.") Despite that, I feel it would be invaluable to anyone considering bariatric surgery. The book is meant to be informational for pre-surgery folks and serve as a resource after the surgery as well. It contains a lot of good information, including a list of websites and articles from psychological and medical journals. It walks the reader through the entire before and after process, including sections on deciding whether or not bariatric surgery is right for you, psychological preparation for surgery, self-talk, learning to cope with stress without using food, how to begin a consistent exercise program, behavior modification, weight management, relapse prevention, how relationships may change after surgery, depression after surgery, and unresolved issues that may impede the achievement of success with this surgery. The book is small, a perfect size to keep in a purse or briefcase. I have no doubt I will be carrying my copy around with me for some time. One of the things I appreciate is its reality-check statement of facts: diet and exercise are key, you can't just make the lifestyle change halfway and expect to do well, and unresolved issues need to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

Yesterday, a dog

Yesterday, a dog made me happy.

I walked outside to get my mail. I don't go outside all that often on days when I don't have to be anywhere; as I've said before, I have this irrational fear that my neighbors probably all think I'm an agoraphobic drunk.

A couple of my neighbors were talking intently--one trying to explain to the other what his Medicare statement meant. The gentleman who was confused by his mail is quite elderly and not in great health, and he has this wonderful ancient dog that accompanies him everywhere.

She is an Australian Shepherd or some kind of mix of one, with mismatched, floppy ears that only go up once in a while. She also has this mysterious dent in her forehead. It doesn't look like it hurts or came from an injury, so I surmise maybe she was just born that way. I was able to pet her once before, probably a year ago, but I had to really beckon her over; she was timid and only stayed long enough for a perfunctory pet.

Yesterday, the second my feet hit the porch, she saw me and absolutely LIT UP. Her ears went up and she literally galloped over to me like I was a big juicy steak with her name on it. I didn't know this dog had any gallop left in her--she is usually quite meek, plodding along with her person. I don't think I'd seen her put her ears up before, either.

I just couldn't stop smiling at her. I bent down to rub her ears and tell her how pretty she was for a minute or two. She eventually got bored with that and decided to run circles around me while I got the mail, returning to her person's side. The neighbors were still immersed in conversation and hadn't noticed anything the dog had done. I paused when I got back to the porch and looked back at her, and she pricked up her ears and looked at me like she was ready to do it all again if I would just come down the stairs.

Saturday 9: Crank Up the Tunes meme

I'm going back and doing some of these retroactively. They're fun.

1. What is your favorite 50’s band? That’s hard—I guess I would say original doo-wop, the whole genre.

2. What is your favorite 60’s band? The Beatles. Not too boring, right? Second place would go to Simon and Garfunkel.

3. What is your favorite 60’s record album? The Beatles’ “Rubber Soul”, the Doors “Strange Days”, Beach Boys “Pet Sounds”

4. What is your favorite 70’s band? Led Zeppelin

5. What is your favorite 70’s record album? Pink Floyd, “Wish You Were Here”, followed by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young’s “So Far”.

6. What is your favorite 80’s band? R.E.M.

7. What is your favorite 80’s record album? “Reckoning”

8. What is your favorite 90’s band? Nirvana

9. What is your favorite 90’s record album? “Bleach”, except I think it came out in 1989--but I’m still saying it’s my favorite ‘90s.

Finishing up "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" by Anne Katherine

Tonight is the last meeting for my support group, so the assignment was to read Chapters 8 and 9 in the book. Chapter 8 is called "Help!" and has some basic guidelines for choosing a therapist and finding other resources for outside help.

Chapter 9 is called "Dear Beloved". It is addressed to the loved one of a person who struggles with food addiction. It touches on what food addiction is like and also goes through a day of what it's like to be an overweight person, from the struggle to find something to wear in public to the fear of comments from strangers everywhere he or she goes. It really breaks everything down for easy understanding and includes sections on sabotage, recovery, weight loss and support. Though Mr. Salted is very supportive, he has never had a weight problem, so I think this section of the book will be really useful for him.

I have really been impressed by this book. Before joining this group, I had seen it around and never seriously thought about picking it up. It touches on every conceivable issue imaginable other than weight-loss surgery, but I think that contributes to its effectiveness, as weight-loss surgery is a whole other can of worms. When it comes to addiction and hard-wired, lifelong habits, the brain is the thing that has to be worked on before a lifestyle change can truly be embraced. I'm glad I read this book, but it is a little discouraging to have to admit that my food issues will be something I am forced to wrestle with for the rest of my life, fat or thin--just like any other recovering addict. I also fear cross-addiction, because if it feels good, I like it too much. That's just built into the organism.

The rest of the book deals with anorexia and bulimia, hitting bottom, relapse, abstinence, and concludes with a chapter on fullness. (Fullness as Katherine discusses it means full spiritually and emotionally, not just literal fullness with food.) She suggests that if a relapse occurs, it is simply because there is not enough support in place for the addict, and suggests ways to provide that.

I don't know if I want to continue going to groups, and I definitely don't think a twelve-step group is the answer for me. I'm not a good group person. It's hard for me to look everyone in the eye, and if I feel really bad--like I did on the anniversary of my friend's death--I'm not going to show up at a group session. I would have gone to an individual session, though--I guess there is less pressure to perform in a way--you can be down in your own self-absorbed pit of despair and not have to be polite or empathize with others. Sometimes, I'll just say it--it's a relief to not have to think about other people when you're working through hard stuff of your own.

Frustrated. It started because of a book...

I've had a nice quiet long weekend with Mr. Salted; we went to see "Star Trek" and I didn't fall asleep, yesterday he grilled steaks, etc. etc. My ankle is hurting all the time now, and I'm not doing anything beyond the ordinary. I just take ibuprofen for it and listen to it pop when I walk. My last support group meeting is tomorrow night, and in a couple of weeks I'll have the six-month appointments with the nutritionist and exercise physiologist so we can resubmit to insurance for approval for surgery. I also found another dentist to go to; a friend of a friend is the hygienist. They won me over in part because they don't charge for nitrous. Sure, I have to drive an hour and a half, but if I like the dentist, I don't care! I'm going to try and stop the exercise physiologist visits for a while, at least until after I've had ankle surgery and am coming back from that; the last few months, it feels like I'm just setting fire to the copay money.

So, I read this book in a day and it frustrated me. The book is "Tweak" by Nic Sheff; the subtitle is "Growing Up On Methamphetamines". (His father, David Sheff, wrote a book about his son's addiction and their relationship, called "Beautiful Boy". I haven't read that one yet.)

Let me just say, I applaud anyone who has the courage and takes the time to write the truth about their life. I think the more books are out there that show what the world is really like from different points of view, the better. I wasn't as mad as everyone else seemed to be at James Frey, but I took creative nonfiction classes at university. As a writer, I err more on the side of writing your memoir as you remember and experience than what everyone else tells you happened, but that's neither here or there with this particular book.

The writing isn't bad at all--not terrible, but nothing particularly special, either. However, the attention to detail is fabulous, and it's a quick read. I read another review of "Tweak" on Visual Bookshelf or Goodreads that said every addict's story is the same. There is some truth in that statement, though I find it to be a gross overgeneralization.

I was frustrated by this book because its author had not only every opportunity in the world and two loving parents, but a seemingly endless supply of family friends and people that just fall out of the sky to help and care about him--and he's too deep into his disease to be cultivating those relationships, they are just there for him whenever he decides to need them. He says at various points in the book that he knows what he's thrown away and who he's hurt and how alone he feels, but then his parents are still there to pay for treatment and therapy and rehab and sometimes college and he still has their connections so that he can go on book tours with his father and have this fabulous career at the end. I felt manipulated when I finished the book--yes, addiction is harrowing, and the drug life is full of unsavory people and needless suffering and death--but how "on the edge" could this person really have been when he had not only a lot of advantages, but his youth as well? It was all just there waiting for him, whenever he decided to start appreciating it--it wasn't like he was just born into a mess he didn't ask for. Coming up from that, if you can, takes decades--and it ain't glamorous. I can attest that there's usually no book tour, with your father or anyone else, at the end.

I think this book frustrated me on a number of levels that have very little to do with Nic Sheff at all. Whether or not every addict's story is the same, every person's story has value. I don't care how rich or famous you are--I don't think anyone is born automatically more worthy or interesting than anyone else. There are a great many of people who could have been contributing more positively to society in any number of ways--if there had been someone there to pay for their rehab, their therapy, or help them to go back to school--or just love them unconditionally and try to keep them safe as they grew up. There are a lot of people who don't even get to breathe anymore because they happened to not be lucky or have the inner strength to keep plodding along through life and trying. The people who get to write these bestselling memoirs are, nine times out of ten, people who had some semblance of a safety net, whether it was parents, husband, Great-Aunt Matilda, or all of the above. I'm not just frustrated because of my own life and its path to date, though that certainly contributes to this rant...I'm thinking of a thousand tragic stories I've heard--and a million more none of us will ever get to hear. It doesn't seem fair that this is true when there is so much to learn from every person's life experience--including that of Nic Sheff.

I want to make this frustration I'm feeling now motivate me to try and do something more with my own talents, much as I have transformed many negative emotions and experiences in my early life into motivation to achieve as an adult. That's what I'm going to try and take away from this today.