Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I have discovered something about myself: when YMCA dues are auto-deducted from my checking account, I am much more driven to go to the pool regularly. I'm paying either way, right? Today I felt a little queasy and was really close to bagging it, and then I thought: "Stop it, it's an excuse. If you still don't feel well, you can stop swimming and leave." I have this tool (the surgery), which I am damn lucky to have; I have a limited window of time for initial weight loss following it; and the best part of all--when I swim, I feel amazing.

I'm feeling this determination that shocks even me, but I'm not sure why; I've always known how to work and been tenacious. (There is a reason I adore bulldogs!) The fact is, I'm there to do a job and it gets done: I swim for fifty minutes. Sometimes there is a kids' swim team or a family with masks and fins who can barely dog paddle or someone who can do impressive flip turns even though they appear to be in their fifties. Sometimes it's early in the morning and I crash Mr. Salted's car into the cement post next to the gas pump before I even get to the pool (yes, this really happened two weeks ago). I just share the lane and keep going. I look at the clock a lot. Fifty minutes. It's a long time. I don't start getting tired until about forty minutes.

Every time I go, it gets easier to move, to breathe. As I glide through the water, loose skin doesn't matter, fat rolls don't matter, middle age doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that I've never been to Europe, that I'll never be a rock star or a grandmother, that I'm still trying to pay off my student loans at almost 42 years old. No matter how I look in my bathing suit out of the pool, in it I feel weightless and graceful.

To date, I have always been the largest person there. I'm not thrilled about the way I look, but I accept it. I know I look the best I can at this point in time, and I look better than I have in many years, mostly because I'm happier. I care much more about how I feel.

In the locker room today, I felt like I could see the struggles of every woman there. I was the heaviest, but some were older, some looked exhausted or tentative, and one beautiful young lady was weighing herself wearing only a towel and glaring at the number on the scale like it was her worst enemy. I thought: I have been every one of you and felt full again, this time with compassion. We all have our obstacles and our journeys. The only person I have never been is the friendly elderly woman who loves to swim and is smiling simply because she woke up today, but becoming her is another goal I can set for the future.

Words to live by

Monday, September 6, 2010

Sunday Stealing: The Majorly Personal Meme, Part One

1. Are you happier now than you were five months ago?


2. Have you ever slept in the same bed with anyone that you shouldn't have?

Haven't we all? :)

3. Can you sleep in total darkness?

Not really.

4. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, the one who got away, what do you say?

There is no such person, and even if there was--I screen my calls. ;)

5. What do you think about the weather this summer?

A lot of people have complained about it, but I'm not fond of hot weather, so I'm good with it.

6. How many people do you trust with everything?

Truthfully? Zero.

7. What was the last thing you drank?

Diet Snapple Trop-A-Rocka--I am totally addicted to it and really hope they make it a permanent flavor.

8. Is there anyone you want to come see you?

I'd rather go see them--there are several!

9. Name one thing you love about winter?

Being under many blankets, with or without Mr. Salted and a cat or two.

10. Have you ever dated a Goth?

No, but I've been one.

11. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

Getting a Jamba Juice in the morning.

12. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?

The fact that I don't have more energy.

13. What's the longest that you have committed to one person and one person only?

Five years. I am hoping to improve on that!

14. What’s the first thing you did when you opened your eyes today?

Got up and took a Claritin.

15. Has anyone ever told you they never want to ever lose you?


16. Is there anybody that you wish you could fix your relationship with?

Not really. I'm at a place of acceptance with who that person is.

17. Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?

Yeah. My motto is "if you don't like it, don't look".

18. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? How?

I'm just going to keep losing weight and feeling better :)

19. Do you believe that you never know what you got until you lose it?

At times, though I think that is more a symptom of being young (or just immature, or at the very least, untested). I think you can figure it out if you pay attention along the way, but ultimately, a great deal of life is about dealing with loss and learning from it. I think it was Dr. Seuss who said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Whoever said it, they are wise words.

20. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?


About Me

My photo
Seattle, WA, United States
This blog focuses largely on a personal journey to and through weight-loss surgery. It's also about reading, writing, animals, photography, love, humor, music, thinking out loud, and memes. In other words...life.
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.