Papaya

I bought my first papaya the other day, and ate half of it at lunch today. Let's just say that I was unimpressed with my overall papaya experience.

I like mangoes, and I know I've had things that had papaya in them and liked the taste. Papayas are expensive--I believe I paid $2.99 a pound--but I was trying to switch it up a bit in the fruit department. Little did I know.

I cut into that bad boy and what do you know, it was full of seeds! The skin isn't edible because it's hard and thick. By the time I trimmed the skin off and eliminated the core, there was barely any fruit left, and let's just be frank--it tasted like ass.

Sometimes I feel like I just woke up an alien life form on this planet and don't quite know how I got here (or survived this long here). People are probably reading this thinking, "How did you get to 40 years old without ever eating a papaya?" What can I say? Life is odd.

***

Exercise physiologist appointment was today. It kicked my butt. I walked on the treadmill 30 minutes and did a bunch of strength training. I kept telling him how stuff hurts and how much my balance stinks, and he got to witness one of my graceless unplanned lurches for himself. My ankles are cracking and feel like they're going to give out from under me. I say it's naptime.

Edit, a couple of hours later: I feel like I blew out my stupid ankle again. I'm cancelling my plans for tomorrow and staying off it so I can actually enjoy our anniversary getaway next week.

Exercise physiologist

Saw him yesterday. I think it was a better appointment. We joked around about our cats and how crazy they are. It's amazing how many people I've met who I had nothing in common with except telling pet stories. It's made many conversations and situations a lot less awkward over the years.

I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, and I could feel it, but wasn't in pain and am not today, thankfully. I am going to try walking again as my regular exercise and hope my ankle doesn't give out. He suggested I get a walking stick. It will double as a weapon, so that cheers me. Giggle.

He also taught me some strength training exercises. They were really similar to the type of exercises I've been given in physical therapy in the past. (I need to go buy an exercise ball to do a couple of them. I hope the cats don't pop it.) I also need some heavier free weights; mine are only a pound.

He told me I wasn't the most difficult patient he's ever had, which made me laugh, because it can be a lot more difficult if he wants; I am actually making an effort not to be. He also suggested I see a psychologist if I was able to because it might really help with my feelings around exercise. I know I need to, but I just don't think we can afford any more copays. I did call the insurance for a list of providers.

The towels at his office say "MOVE IT" which I guess, on some level, is cute, but in that sick-making way that makes my face twist like I've been sucking a lemon. (I'm not one of these motivational types, or perhaps I should say I'm not motivated by what is "supposed to" motivate people. Never have been.) He also said something about how exercise shouldn't be too comfortable or it isn't really doing you any good, because you have to push your body past the point of what it has adapted to. My response to that is: if you have had any part in motivating me to exercise three times a week for more than a month or two, you have effectively performed the miracle of your lifetime. I'm not going to turn into a triathlete, nor am I trying to. I'm trying to remember what my friend said about his guidelines being for an ideal world.

It all goes back to perfectionism, too--not wanting to do anything you cannot do perfectly, much less that you might fail completely. I've already failed at it completely several times. I think of exercise as torture, because it has essentially been used against me that way in the past, and not just in P. E. classes in school like everyone else. That's probably why I need the psychologist. Sigh.

More about exercise physiology (from our friend the Internet)

Exercise physiologists are physiologists specializing in exercise. They monitor and assess cardiovascular and metabolic effects as well as the mechanisms of exercise, replenishment of fluids during exercise, and exercise specifically as it pertains to cardiac and musculoskeletal rehabilitation and health.

An exercise physiologist may perform fitness evaluations and recommend exercise programs to maintain overall health. They can also choose to focus on specialties such as cardiology, sports medicine, respiratory therapy or physical therapy. Their duties may include the identification of risks in their patients or rehabilitation programs in conjunction with those of other healthcare professionals.

In an academic setting, exercise physiologists may teach courses pertaining to medicine, physiology, or any number of other health-related fields. Other settings that may employ exercise physiologists include community organization venues, health clubs, recreation centers, or commercial and industrial facilities. They may also be employed in clinical settings prescribing exercise for cardiac and pulmonary patients. There are also many potential opportunities for research on aging, rehabilitation of muscle injuries, and the health benefits of exercise in general, particularly since the emphasis on illness prevention and promoting good health through exercise continues to increase.

Education requirements for an exercise physiologist may vary depending on the employment setting. A master's degree in exercise physiology is usually the minimum requirement. To hold an exercise physiology position in organizations or commercial settings, an undergraduate degree in physical education, exercise or health sciences, and nutrition may be helpful. Additional training in physical therapy and kinesiology is valuable for employment in a health-related setting. For an academic career in research or teaching, a PhD is required. Certification requirements for exercise physiologists in most states are not yet well established, but for those not pursuing an academic career in this field, the certification is available through the American College of Sports Medicine for exercise test technologist, exercise specialist, or health and fitness director. ACSM's highest certification is currently program director; continuing education hours are required every four years for recertification.

Exercise physiologist

I saw the exercise physiologist yesterday for the first time. Due to the various continuing insurance snafus I'm dealing with, I have been without sleep medication for weeks and without antidepressants for several days, so I felt about an inch tall when I went in there. (Thank G-d, they both got here today.) He was nice, and I was my usual blunt and honest self, so I'm sure I presented quite the challenge.

I have a T-shirt that reads: "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck." (I do push my luck, at least verbally, but I think of it more as participating in life than anything.) I really, really hate basically anything to do with exercise. The things I like to do best are all sedentary activities--reading, writing, watching movies. When I travel, I like to relax. It doesn't mean I just sit on a couch stuffing my face with cookies, it just means I like to read and be on the computer and don't tend to move a lot. Dancing is a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed doing that when I was younger and lighter. Of course, there is also the possibility of negative comments, which make it a lot less fun. I do still dance sometimes, but I get uncomfortable quickly and don't have much stamina. I enjoy lap swimming, although anxiety surrounding being in public in a bathing suit cancels the enjoyment out of it. The arthritis/bursitis/joint pain I've had since I was young (it started to get bad about age 25 for me) doesn't help, and it's a vicious cycle; you don't move because it hurts, and it makes it harder to move when you don't move. Feh.

I started walking outdoors a lot last year, but my ankle kept giving out at random and getting twisted and sprained, plus you never know when some jackhole is going to drive by and scream or throw something. I bought a recumbent stationery bike, but it hurts my joints (knees, ankles, hips) to even do that for more than 10 minutes. ("Why don't you read on the recumbent bike?" my friend asked me. My response: "It interferes with my cursing.")

So optimally, they want me doing 30 minutes in the target heart-rate zone and 15 minutes cooling down after that four times a week. I'll do the best I can, but when stuff starts to really hurt, I stop doing it. (In the immortal words of Daffy Duck, "I don't like pain. Pain hurts me.") It sounds like I'm just making excuses, but people don't see me walking around like Quasimodo in the mornings with my joints sounding like popcorn. The t'ai chi is basically worthless--it's a good "day off" activity--but is it really a day off if I'm still doing t'ai chi? A day off means hallelujah, no exercise. Feh x 2. Of COURSE the t'ai chi isn't worth anything, I was actually enjoying it and it wasn't causing me physical discomfort!

The exercise physiologist was explaining to me about different kinds of pain with exercise, oxygen getting to cells, etc., and how after about two weeks the good kind of pain dissipates. He also told me the latest research showed that it wasn't beneficial to stretch cold muscles, saying that it was better to just do it after a workout. That was something I had never heard. People in better cardiovascular health have a better chance of not developing complications from surgery, recover faster, etc., which goes without saying.

The first part of the exercise physiology assessment was cardiovascular, so I did about 15 minutes on the recumbent bike with him. True to form, everything hurts today. I see him again next week for the strength part of the assessment. I bought a heart-rate monitor that is kind of cool--you put a band around your upper abdomen and wear a watch, so you know what your heart rate is. I went for the bottom-of-the-line model with basic information; there was one available with more bells and whistles that tracks calories burned and stuff like that, but I don't want to go there. I can look at a clock and tell how many minutes I've worked out, and the number on the watch is the heart rate, so that's straightforward enough. I'm just going to make it part of the food journal in terms of tracking it.

I told him my biggest concern with exercise is learning to motivate myself to do it just because it is good for me/for my health, not to be so *extremely* goal-oriented that it feeds into old perfectionism/defeatism and eating-disordered behaviors, etc. (Although I didn't say "eating-disordered behaviors"; I probably should have. But he's not a therapist per se, I didn't feel like I should tell him my whole life story. Of course, I really didn't want to be there in the first place, so there was that, too.) Toward the end, he asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell him and in retrospect, maybe that was a hint that I should have disclosed more. I can always tell him next time.

I didn't know what an exercise physiologist even was, so I asked him a lot of questions. He said it was a lot like a physical therapist that also focused on the heart and lungs as opposed to just joints and muscles. It sounds like a very competitive field. I'm glad he is such a nice guy. He was certainly patient.

I saw the term "exercise resistance syndrome" in a book, which cracked me up. I think it's safe to say I have it. With bells on.

Nutritionist appointment today

Day 30 of write everything down that I ingest; appointment number 2 with the nutritionist. I was surprised to learn that I have lost four pounds, not that I get that excited about losing four pounds at this weight. I know all I have to do is look at a piece of apple pie and I will gain 20; to paraphrase comedian Ron White (who, it should be noted, makes me laugh until I snort most unbecomingly), "I know. I've seen me do it." Still, it was nice to receive praise, even if it made me think of what positive rewards for toilet training must be like (I was relieved not to receive any sort of sticker). I maintain that I lost the four pounds because dread burns calories.

She looked at my food diary and actually said I was doing well there, too. The only thing she would have me change is to get in another serving of vegetables a day, which is exactly what the last nutritionist I saw told me to do. I told her I could do that. And I can.

Insurance wants me to see the exercise physiologist, so I see him Wednesday. He looked young and nonthreatening and seemed upbeat, but not in a vomity way, so it might be okay. We'll see how it goes...hey, if insurance pays, I'm there with bells on; I am nothing if not educable.

We also discussed my sweet tooth, my nocturnal need for sugary sustenance, and my assignment for the month is about cravings. She gave me four strategies to control cravings. The point of this is to write about which strategies I try and how they work or don't work. More on that later.

After going grocery shopping post-appointment and buying all kinds of healthy food, I am tired and on the way to celebrate my meager weight loss by getting in bed with a book--even better, a trashy true-crime book that has absolutely no redeeming social or academic value. Let's hear it for the printed word!