Weird week

It's been a weird week. I had one night where I actually slept enough, and I can't remember the last time that happened. I felt fantastic, and met up with two old friends; it was the first time in 22 years all three of us had been together. That was a lot of fun. I was glad the sleep coincided with that day so I could enjoy it. It's been beautiful outside.

I haven't been exercising, which isn't good. My stupid ankle still hurts, but I haven't even done strength training. I don't know what it is. If I know I have to do something and be somewhere, I manage my time a lot better and get up and do things. When I know I don't have to go anywhere, I tend to be a lot less productive. It seems like human nature to me, but who knows?

Today is Day 111 of the blankety-blank food diary. I wish insurance didn't require the stupid thing, but they do. 180 days will be six months, so I guess that's the second or third week of June.

I want to get a move on this surgery process already. I feel like I'm not doing enough, because I'm not working, but I feel like I could never be doing this if I were working, so I'm trying to see the whole situation as a blessing as friends are encouraging me to do. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much over it, but I've been working since I was about nine. (At that age, I remember picking blackberries in what we called "urban renewal", this area of town that wasn't developed yet, and selling them to my neighbors for $2 a gallon.) My logical mind knows what it should know, but it can be difficult to stifle the old tapes in your head. My family always accused me of being lazy growing up; much of the world assumes fat people are that way because they are "just lazy". Physically, I am not the most energetic or driven person, never have been, but mentally is a whole other story. Anyone who knows me at all that I am a worker bee, but I do work to live, not live to work. That can be misconstrued at times. I've probably followed an exercise program for about half my adult life--they just don't seem to "take"--which is a lot more than many thin people I've known.

The support group is great, but emotionally draining. I do get overwhelmed by it; I'm pretty much good for nothing the day after it meets. I can see why I put off dealing with food issues the longest of any others that I've worked on.

A guy I used to work with died this week, which was sad. He was 40, the same age as I, and had a wife and kids. Things like that always make you remember how lucky you are to wake up in the morning.