Chapter 4 Exercises

Chapter 4 in Anne Katherine's "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" is titled "The Great Escape". It talks about fight or flight syndrome and how food may become an escape, particularly for female children, who are often taught to be nice and helpful and not openly fight or express anger that male children can usually get out through rougher play, sports, etc.

The author uses psychologist Abraham Maslow's famous "Hierarchy of Needs" to illustrate why some folks make the choices they do in their lives. Maslow's hierarchy of needs is as follows, starting with the most important needs at the top of the list:

1. Body needs--air, food, water, temperature
2. Safety and protection from harm
3. Status, approval, love, acceptance, belonging
4. Competence, adequacy, security, self-esteem
5. Curiosity, to know and understand
6. Order, structure, system
7. Self-actualization, exploration, newness, values, artistic expression, self-fulfillment, meaning

Katherine goes on to say that when we see our most basic needs ranked in this way, we can see the courage and support that are necessary to swap a visceral need for a more abstract one, concluding that generally, we have to substitute something that feels similarly fulfilling in order to affect change.

At the end of the chapter, she writes: "even though experimental results aren't yet clear enough to explain exactly what happens in our bodies step by step, enough is known to conclude the following:

--We overeaters have bodies that are chemically delicate.
--Our bodies respond to subtle deficits in minerals, vitamins, light, energy, and needs.
--We are probably eating to correct deficits, but what we eat is not making the correction.
--Eating is an effort to self-medicate. Eating is caused by biological pressure."

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Assignment 4.1

Here is the second part of the disease inventory that began in Chapter 2 on page 46. This part is designed to help you become more conscious of the direct and indirect messages you received as a child about food, eating, and weight. Your awarenesses will become more clear by first writing them down then sharing them with another person or group of people.

Identifying the Message

As a small child, you were taught about food and eating with words (what your parents told you), actions (what your parents showed you), and consequences (how your parents rewarded or punished you). Write down what you were taught as a small child:

THROUGH WORDS
--What did your parents say about food, sugar, eating, and weight (yours and theirs)?

THROUGH ACTIONS
--What were meals like—warm times of sharing, love, and laughter? Were you tense, pressured, fearful? Were you captive while being disciplined?
--Were meals regular, predictable, and healthy, nutritionally balanced, haphazard, sporadic, at no fixed time, late and unappetizing because you had to “wait for father”, of questionable nutritional value?
--How was food a part of family celebrations, both daily traditions and holidays, celebrations, and weekends?
--Where and when did you learn about nutritional balance, nutritional content, cooking?
--What mixed messages did you receive as a child? For example, “Eat! It will make you healthy!” “That girl, I keep letting out her clothes!”
--What was the family’s attitude toward appearances? Were appearances important no matter what was happening? Was it more important for the house to be neat for the neighbors than for you to be attended to?

THROUGH CONSEQUENCES
--What were the rewards or punishments for eating the way your family did, or for not eating the way they did?
--How were you rewarded or punished for the way you looked, the way you ate, the way you were the same, the way you were different from the rest of the family?
--Think about your childhood. In what ways did you suffer from the addictiveness or compulsiveness of others? Take plenty of time for this part of your inventory. Be as detailed as you like. Write about the experiences you went through as a result of the disease in others.

I Want to Save Your Life

This is the name of a new show on Women's Entertainment Television. I just watched the first two episodes and thought it was pretty cool. The host/doctor has struggled with his own weight and health in the past. He comes into the subject's life and shows them how to shop, how to exercise, and helps them get to the root of their issues. He then follows up several months later to show the progress they are making with their lifestyle changes.

It is really nice to see a show like this that actually is helping people. Surgery does not seem to be a factor at all in these cases, which is neither here nor there. What I really appreciate is that there is education happening, light-bulb moments for the subjects, and real-life progress. No magic bullets, no illusions about how easy or quick this all is, because it isn't. No drill sergeants or getting voted off the freakin' island. No laughing and pointing.

I tend to be somewhat cynical about "women's entertainment" channels. (Lifetime's "television for women" tagline always annoyed me: what women? Not most of the ones I know. Maybe some women, but not all women. Just like all men don't feel the need to watch "Trucks!" on the Spike network.) Lifetime's original movie titles follow this format: "I Hate My Husband: The Jane Doe Story". I do like that they rerun old sitcoms I like, such as "Golden Girls" (btw, RIP, Bea Arthur, you were fantastic) and "Will and Grace". I like some of their true crime shows and the occasional random documentary. I have to say that I like Women's Entertainment TV more than Oxygen or Lifetime at this point. ("The Bad Girls Club" on Oxygen just doesn't do it for me, but at least Oxygen does air a fair amount of figure skating coverage. No one else does these days.)

I hope this show doesn't get cancelled.

Steal-a-meme

1. What are your current obsessions?
Crystal Light Focus. Advil. The "Adventureland" soundtrack.

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?
Anything cotton, loose, and comfy.

3. What's for dinner?
Leftover sloppy Joes. I had a dream about sloppy Joes, which I hadn't had in about ten years, and a coupon--a lethal combination. They were okay, but didn't taste as good as the dream.

4. Last thing you bought?
Claritin

5. What are you listening to?
The computer hum, my neck pop, cars going by

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?
I'd want to be Athena. Does Wonder Woman count? I look like the Venus of Willendorf (ancient statue of a fertility goddess).

7. Favorite holiday spots?
The Oregon Coast, a cruise ship with a balcony room, Red Caboose Getaway

8. Reading right now?
I just finished "Grunge is Dead" last night. I'm working through Natalie Goldberg's "Old Friend From Far Away". "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" in my group/class.

9. 4 words to describe yourself.
Melancholy.
Funny.
Creative.
Loved.

10. Guilty pleasure?
Chocolate, "Divorce Court", one-hit wonders.

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?
My fabulous friends. Margaret Cho. Christopher Guest movies.

12. Planning to travel to next?
Can't afford it, willfully not thinking about it. I'm signing us up for every sweepstakes to win a trip I can find.

13. Best thing you ate or drank lately?
Seriously? The Ghirardelli chocolate squares I shouldn't have had yesterday.

14. When did you last get tipsy?
Last summer.

15. Care to share some wisdom?
Life is too short to expend emotional energy on those who only drain yours. Concurrently: to thine own self be true.

16. Nicest thing anyone’s ever said to you?
There are a few: your friendship is the greatest gift of my life. You have the most beautiful heart I've ever known. You are my chosen sister. You are my soul mate. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. We don't throw people away. All of these came from different sources--so I'm a very lucky person.

17. If you could have just one more conversation with a person from your past, who would it be? Jeff. I miss him so much.

18. Do your friends tend to be male or female?
At this point in my life, it's an equal balance. Women get cooler as they get older. :)

19. What is in your car’s trunk? Reusable grocery bags and a case of water.

I'd like to tell you that there are various fucktard parts in there but alas, it's just my reusable grocery bags

20. What was the last CD that you purchased? The "Adventureland" soundtrack

21. What is your favorite movie and why? I really love "American Beauty" and "Ghost World". So much truth, humor, tragedy, great acting, etc. "Airplane!" and "Soapdish" can always, ALWAYS make me laugh. "Walk the Line" and "Good Night and Good Luck" are both incredible fact-based films.

22. If you could wake up with a new talent tomorrow, what would it be? Being able to work for The Man with a smile and not have to shower afterward.

23. What is your favorite day of the week and why? the weekend, because it's chill.

24. What are you wearing when you feel you’re at your best? Makeup and earrings, comfortable clothes that I feel good in.

25. When was the last time you cried? Last week.

26. What items (if any) do you get embarrassed to purchase? None. I was always the one my friends sent in to buy their condoms and pregnancy tests when we were "underage"...I didn't care.

27) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without a doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why? Probably the problems one. I have good lying radar.

28) Do you nap a lot? Yes, because I'm not a good sleeper.

29) If you were given a free house that was full furnished, where in the world would you like it to be? Cannon Beach, OR

30) Name three things that you could not live without.
Loved ones
Pets
Water

31) What would you like in your hands right now?
Chocolate

32) What would you change or eliminate about yourself?
How much I love chocolate

33) As a child, what type of career did you want?
A writer

34) What’s your favorite book from the past year?
There are too many! I'm a speedy, prolific reader.

35)Is there a comfort food from your childhood that you still enjoy?
Cooked chocolate pudding with the skin on it. Haven't had it in YEARS.

Day 106

According to my painstaking record-keeping efforts in the food journal, Day 106 was today. I notice as time goes on and I get sicker and sicker of writing down everydamnthing I eat and its nutritional content, my writing gets sloppier and sloppier in the food journal. I can't wait to set it on fire and dance wildly around it with reckless abandon.

There are many handy websites where I get my nutritional info for the food journal; most major restaurant chains have nutrition information for their food online, and there are all kinds of nifty sites, like nutritiondata.com, where you can look up the nutritional content of just about anything--fruit, whatever. I had to laugh--tonight we had sloppy Joes, and I had to take apart the ingredients and log them all. When I looked up ground beef, the number of choices was insane. Knowing the lean percentage of the meat was far from enough--was the cow grass-fed? (Did its stall in the barn have north-south exposure? Did it poop rainbows?)

My ankle is giving me a really bad time. It now pops when I move it at all, hurts all the time, and if I do something as simple as walk around a grocery store, I basically have to ice and elevate it afterward. I'm taking more ibuprofen than I would like. I'm probably going to have to bite the bullet and go have it X-rayed, but I've been waiting for this surgery to happen to see if weight loss would help it. We really cannot afford any additional medical bills. In terms of working out, I have been sticking to strength training and tai chi--better than nothing, I reckon.

Mr. Salted was on vacation the past two weeks--"use it or lose it"--so we've mostly been hanging out at home after our little bed and breakfast stay. We went and saw "Adventureland", which we both loved, especially me, I think. It was set in 1987, so it was our era, and the soundtrack was FANTASTIC. I downloaded it on Itunes and had most of the missing songs in my collection already. It made me wax nostalgic for my college-radio DJing days--my personal life wasn't at its peak back then, but the music was great! I (amazingly) avoided working for a carnival, but I had almost every other crappy job known to man. McDonalds, Godfather's Pizza, music store, pet store, convenience stores, movie theater, nanny, you name it. My favorite jobs were always work-study jobs in college; I got to work in several libraries, which I loved. I also enjoyed bookstore jobs and had a couple of those over the years. If the economy continues in this vein after I've had and recovered from this surgery, I may end up back in retail--God forbid. A bookstore is about the only retail job I can see myself doing.

I'm still looking into the whole Tech Writing Certificate thing, though I'm definitely more productive when Mr. Salted isn't home all day with me. I'd love to be in a room all day pushing paper, researching, writing, or what have you. I'd love to be writing. Writing writing writing. I'd love to be able to say: I write full-time; I'm a novelist; I'm a writer--and have it be true.

Tomorrow is Monday, so I need to get on my support group stuff, since it meets Tuesdays. The last round of exercises was extremely overwhelming for me, and I haven't wanted to look at it again since.

I also tried a few days without sugar, just using artificial sweeteners (sugar-free Jello, Crystal Light, etc.). It was not the most fun I've ever had, and I was jonesing the whole time. I finally broke down and had a few Ghirardelli squares. We are trying to finish up the food that is going to be eradicated--a lot of white pasta and the like. Mr. Salted has agreed not to have cookies in the house.

Deprivation

So Chapter 3 of "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" by Anne Katherine is about deprivation. Hoo boy!

"Assignment 3.2

For the next twenty-four hours, notice yourself. Notice your needs, reactions to others, and messages to yourself. The goal here is for you to become more conscious of your patterns by keeping a log of your feelings and reactions.

Do you have a tendency to take care of others, listen rather than talk about yourself, talk rather than listen, rescue, protect others, or protect yourself? Do you find yourself feeling put upon, used, taken advantage of? Do you feel overwhelmed, small, not enough? Do you feel urges to run and hide, to crawl into a corner away from people? Do you feel confused and torn in two? All of these patterns, deep-rooted though they are, can be altered. Very likely, they will stand between you and what you really want from life. But first you must become more conscious of what they are. To achieve such consciousness, record your responses to people."

This was my response:

8:00 AM, 4/20/09. Begin drinking Crystal Light to avoid eating sugar.

Mr. Salted is home since he is on vacation. I clean the floors and he helps. He makes dinner and I have gone all day without sugar without a problem.

2:45 AM, 4/21/09. I wake up in a panic, CRAVING sugar. My brain is screaming. Eat a granola bar and a Fiber One bar, which unfortunately do have sugar. Dreading completing the genogram assignment.

5:45 AM, 4/21/09. First Jello snack of the day. I blog for awhile about Chapter 2 and the genogram assignment. Even blogging about it exhausts me. I watch some TV under a blanket for a couple of hours and worry about it. John gives me a hug and a kiss.

12:30 PM—2:55 PM, 4/21/09. Since I started working on the genogram, I have had three 100-calorie packs, a Jello pudding snack, and a Jello snack. I spend a couple more hours under a blanket watching TV; I feel totally overwhelmed even after I get done with the genogram. Especially after, really, because looking at it makes me feel ooky. I don’t want to leave the house, much less go to group tonight. Mr. Salted goes to the post office and also to the store to get me more Jello snacks and the 100-calorie packs that have Splenda instead of sugar, at my request. I am panicked that a sugar detox has been discussed by the group already and I wasn’t there (it was mentioned in an email from the facilitator)--panicked at the thought of it, period. I know I have to do it because of the gastric bypass surgery, but am freaking out. Mr. Salted gives me a hug and a kiss on the forehead where the cat scratched me. He is a mensch.

4:20 PM, 4/21/09. Feeling a bit calmer after having some downtime in a nice quiet room. Glad Mr. Salted is so supportive. REALLY want chocolate. Dreading group. Feeling bad for dreading group. Very, very tempted to skip group, but I paid cash on the barrelhead for it, so I know damn well that I will drag my carcass there. Mr. Salted says he understands and will still love me if I don’t go, which is nice. I still don’t want to go.

Edit, 9:49 PM, 4/21/09--Went to group. Unloaded. Got support. Am glad I went to group. Full of amazing, kind women. Made me remember I am one as well.

Sample Completed Genogram

Genogram

Anne Katherine's "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" theorizes that food addicts may have been born with problems if their parents had alcohol or sugar sensitivity, depression, perfectionism, or other compulsive behavior. If a food addict was born with insufficient serotonin levels, when they hurt, they hurt badly, and sugar and carbohydrates may have brought some relief. Since people repeat whatever behavior they think is working to relieve pain, whether it is eating, drinking alcohol, or drugs, the problem goes from self-medication to physical addiction. Katherine points out, "The physical addiction is one giant part of the problem, but the problem has other parts too. Recovery comes about when we pay attention to all of the parts together."

The next assignment is to do a genogram, which is sort of a combined flow chart/family tree. It is under assignment 2.1 on page 47 of the book.

"What evidence is there that you inherited the susceptibility to this addiction? Trace the origin of your disease in your ancestors and role models. Make a genealogy chart of as many ancestors as you or other family members can remember. Next to each name, use the symbols listed below to indicate their involvement in addictive or compulsive behavior. Be alert to clues that point to skeletons in the closet, such as "He had a small drinking problem," "He died of liver disease," "She had lung cancer," or "He was pretty heavy."

Circle: Female
Square: Male
Dotted line: Death
Slashed line: Divorce
FA: Food addict
A: Alcoholic
D: Drugs
S: Compulsive sex
$: Compulsive spending/shopping
CW: Compulsive work behavior
G: Compulsive gambler
N: Nicotine
CO: Codependent or caretaker
R: Rigid
VR: Very religious
I: Chronically ill
Dp: Depressed
Db: Diabetic
ED: Eating disorder

The image above illustrates some standard genogram symbols.