Blech

This last week I have felt rather uninspired to tow the line. I totally blew my diet as of Valentine's Day, if you can call it a diet...the half-price chocolate was just too tempting. I haven't been in the mood to exercise that much, and I see the exercise physiologist again tomorrow. I'm really going to get to the bottom of why I have to see him; if he's not going to teach me something I don't already know, I'm not going to keep racking up the fees just to write more crap in a journal or whatever.

Had a really good talk with a friend of mine today; she was talking about how what "they" want me to do is in a perfect world, not what a real person is going to end up doing, and that I'll have to modify their guidelines to fit my life and not take it personally if I don't meet every goal they set, because all their advice and suggestions aren't going to work for me. It made total sense.

My friend and I talked about some other interesting stuff too--such as the way exercise forces a person to be present in their body, whether they like to be or not. Articulating that fact made me realize (dingdingdingding) that is *exactly* why I am so uncomfortable with exercise, considering that separating myself from my body has been a coping mechanism for me for most of my life, and when I'm not separate from my body, I'm hyperaware of everything that touches it. If I'm not physically comfortable, I am completely freaked out--even when I just get dressed up, I'm really irritable until I can get into comfortable clothes again, to the point where I can't even enjoy myself because I can't stop thinking about how miserable the clothes feel.

The nutrition piece of this process isn't bothering me nearly as much as the exercise stuff is; I've been working on eating healthier for a long time. It is a trip for me to be eating things like raw zucchini with hummus on a regular basis; I've come a long way from the Doritos and other convenience store staples of yesteryear. But so many other issues are tied up in the whole exercise thing than I ever really realized, and that is really discouraging to face right now.