Honesty

I think I was optimistic about how quickly Ambien leaves the system. While I am getting more sleep and largely good sleep, I am also more tired. I have also had a couple of stretches of being up for two days and then wanting to crash for extended periods of time. When I am up, at least for the first day, I feel good, have more energy, am more productive. By the end of day 2 I'm completely exhausted and overwhelmed by everything. My husband is the most laid-back, accepting person--he made me laugh at my own ridiculousness yesterday. I'd been awake for 48 hours, it was late Sunday morning, and I knew I needed to just go to bed and pass out. I was at the point where my brain was not working, I ran into a wall because I was so tired, and I had less-than-zero patience with anything (and I'm not an incredibly patient person to begin with). I went to the bedroom, switched on the TV to set a recording for a show, and there was some ad with Marie Osmond talking about weight loss. I have nothing against Marie Osmond at all (except for her dolls, but I hate all dolls equally, not just hers), but I just said, "I hate everyone!" and turned off the TV abruptly.

My husband laughed and said, "I love you, sweetie."

I looked at him, asking, "God, WHY? I'm a mess."

He smiled and said, "You're just so honest. I love that about you." He has told me that before, saying things like "I never have to wonder what you're thinking" and "I always know where you stand". It's a good thing he feels this way. It won't be changing anytime soon.

I am a big believer in honesty. Get it out there, talk about it, don't let it fester. Honesty can be construed as a weapon and a defense mechanism, but I think the functions of honesty are mostly positive ones. I can only speak from my own experience, but I know I have been the sickest when I didn't talk about things or refused to feel them; I went through a huge chunk of my life like that, and it almost killed me. They say in twelve-step groups (which are not anything I'm into, but they work wonders for some folks, so I'm glad they exist), "We are only as sick as our secrets", and I tend to agree. Secrets are usually connected to shame and ultimately self-loathing. For me, honesty is something that makes me feel better and figuratively, if not literally, lighter. Honesty for me is refusing to allow my voice to be silenced. You can love me, hate me, think I'm full of crap, but at least if I say my piece, I cannot be called a victim without any agency.