Size and guys

When I was first starting to crush on boys and date them, I liked the ones that tended to be shorter. Since I am 5'3", this isn't an issue, and in truth, I have had crushes on guys in every color and size of the rainbow. But when I think back on it, I know why this was: I had seen considerable violence in my life that I hadn't worked through yet and I didn't want to be with anyone who I might not be able to defend myself against physically. I had fleeting moments of feeling like a moose sometimes, but I always felt like a moose anyway. I was a lot lighter then and it wasn't so obvious that someone in the street would point out the size differential.

As I got heavier, I liked guys that were heavier--and I still would, if I were single. (I've always had a crush on John Goodman, and I think Drew Carey is adorable.) I guess it's that whole teddy bear syndrome, and I like the way they look--but anyone I like, and/or love, is beautiful to me.

It was interesting to fall in love with Mr. Salted because I was at my heaviest when we met--within shouting distance of 300 pounds. (I'm down almost 60 pounds since then! Wow!) He weighs a whisper-thin 150 and is one inch taller than me. It was a real test of my own neuroses and very difficult for me not to think about it constantly and relax, particularly when we were in public together. I knew it would make me work on things in my own brain that I didn't want to acknowledge, but he is worth it. I wondered why he would want someone so overweight--and in my weaker moments, sometimes I still do. He never seemed to notice my weight, not from Day One--he just loves me. He supports my decision to have weight loss surgery, because he has seen how I suffer physically and otherwise--and he has watched me exercise and eat right with little to no results for years before I went under the minimally invasive knife. He has never brought up my weight unless I did first--or because he was angrily reacting to someone who was rude to me about it.

"I want you around for a long time," he has said to me a million times. I just noticed this morning that he can get his arms further around me now, and that felt so good. I'm looking forward to when he can get his arms all the way around me. It's certainly another motivator in this journey, and sweeter than any chocolate I've ever eaten.