Hunger and kindness

I am getting hungry more often and eating larger portions (the largest portions being about a cup). I'm trying not to be paranoid about this--I have no desire to go back to full-blown eating-disorder-think, and I'm fairly certain I'm "normal" for seven months out from surgery. I don't keep a food journal at present (and I have no desire to, because it just feels punitive and therefore begs me to chafe against it), but I do try to keep a running tally throughout the day of approximate protein grams and calorie intake. I was told to try to stay at about 1500 calories a day, which I assume I am going to have to do for the rest of my life. Fine, fabulous, okay--I'm fine with that as long as I keep losing at some point. At present, I am still in plateau range, holding at 207-208 pounds--I have yet to see the scale go below 207. I'm only walking two days a week (about a mile at a time and at a brisk pace). I have the best of intentions in terms of stepping that up in the near future, but my ankle has been hurting quite a bit. With the stress of the next couple of weeks--job ending, interviewing and applying for new jobs, grandmother moving--I am not pressuring myself too terribly hard to make any extra changes until this month is over.

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There is no quality in people (myself AND others) that I value more than kindness--actually, if I had to choose, it would probably be a tie between kindness and humor. After venting about wanting a technical writing certificate and how hard it would be for me to obtain it due to finances, a friend of mine offered to loan me the money--completely out of the blue. I was--AM--so touched, it is difficult to articulate my feelings.

I put myself through college (it took ten years for me to earn a B.A.; I started a Masters, but left after one quarter) with not one offer of financial help from anyone that I knew. It was a long, hard struggle--one I am still making payments on, but one I am also extremely proud of and wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I also hate (like fire) to borrow money or feel like I owe anyone for anything, EVER. However, this friend is the rare person it would not be awkward to accept a loan from. She cares about me, is generous and kind, and has no agenda whatsoever--I've known her for twenty years. (And seriously, on the whole, how often are we afforded such opportunities in life? Knowing people like this, knowing their hearts--it makes me a bit verklempt.)

I feel very calm, unusually Zen, about this particular situation. I think there are valuable lessons in it for me that go beyond "things happen for a reason". It's a telegram from the universe telling me once again to practice what I preach, in this case: when people are kind, it's okay to accept their kindness--and when they want to help, it's okay to accept their help. Acceptance of kindness and help does not make me less of a person--it invites me to become more of one. It opens my heart, it gives me hope, and it helps me to thrive so that I can put that much more positive energy and action out into the world.

Thank you.

Ho hum

I feel like I have had nothing to say lately. I do other writing that I don't put on this blog--or I try to. I have been working on a memoir for quite some time in fits and starts. Once in a while I crank out a poem. It seems like I spend a lot more time on pictures than I do on writing--new ones I take, scanning old ones, and messing with them all in Photoshop, putting them on Flickr, etc. Recently I worked on a whole passel of old family photos for a friend--it is amazing how much they can be improved in Photoshop, dust removed, color corrected, etc. I have considered photo restoration as a side business, but am not sure how viable an option that is.

I have not been very diligent about researching school funding options, either--I am just feeling incredibly discouraged. This is day 83 of the damn food journal, so I am still not quite halfway through the dreaded Six Months of Diet and Exercise.

One of my best girlfriends came down and visited a couple of days ago. She is one of those people who reminds me who I am as well as who I should be and want to be, so seeing her is always wonderful. She is great for perspective, and we also laugh like fools the majority of the time we are together. She keeps telling me that this may just be a period of time when I work on my health; my husband tells me the same thing. But I have this sense of urgency, the need to have an overall game plan tempered with the knowledge I'm not getting any younger and sprinkled with guilt that I'm not bringing in any income.

I have reconnected with old friends on Facebook in recent months and have actually met up with two, neither of whom I had seen in 20 years. That has been great for my current perspective, too. The way I am remembered by others from the long-ago past is always a trip. I have heard repeatedly how people thought I seemed to have it all together during the most desperate part of my life, which would have been my late teens through early to mid-20s. I don't think I was that good an actress, because I'm not really capable of that caliber of acting! I think people were immersed in their own stuff (as they should have been) and that illusion is everything. It is so freeing to realize that everyone isn't/wasn't staring at you--they are too busy worrying about whether everyone is staring at them.