Deprivation

So Chapter 3 of "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" by Anne Katherine is about deprivation. Hoo boy!

"Assignment 3.2

For the next twenty-four hours, notice yourself. Notice your needs, reactions to others, and messages to yourself. The goal here is for you to become more conscious of your patterns by keeping a log of your feelings and reactions.

Do you have a tendency to take care of others, listen rather than talk about yourself, talk rather than listen, rescue, protect others, or protect yourself? Do you find yourself feeling put upon, used, taken advantage of? Do you feel overwhelmed, small, not enough? Do you feel urges to run and hide, to crawl into a corner away from people? Do you feel confused and torn in two? All of these patterns, deep-rooted though they are, can be altered. Very likely, they will stand between you and what you really want from life. But first you must become more conscious of what they are. To achieve such consciousness, record your responses to people."

This was my response:

8:00 AM, 4/20/09. Begin drinking Crystal Light to avoid eating sugar.

Mr. Salted is home since he is on vacation. I clean the floors and he helps. He makes dinner and I have gone all day without sugar without a problem.

2:45 AM, 4/21/09. I wake up in a panic, CRAVING sugar. My brain is screaming. Eat a granola bar and a Fiber One bar, which unfortunately do have sugar. Dreading completing the genogram assignment.

5:45 AM, 4/21/09. First Jello snack of the day. I blog for awhile about Chapter 2 and the genogram assignment. Even blogging about it exhausts me. I watch some TV under a blanket for a couple of hours and worry about it. John gives me a hug and a kiss.

12:30 PM—2:55 PM, 4/21/09. Since I started working on the genogram, I have had three 100-calorie packs, a Jello pudding snack, and a Jello snack. I spend a couple more hours under a blanket watching TV; I feel totally overwhelmed even after I get done with the genogram. Especially after, really, because looking at it makes me feel ooky. I don’t want to leave the house, much less go to group tonight. Mr. Salted goes to the post office and also to the store to get me more Jello snacks and the 100-calorie packs that have Splenda instead of sugar, at my request. I am panicked that a sugar detox has been discussed by the group already and I wasn’t there (it was mentioned in an email from the facilitator)--panicked at the thought of it, period. I know I have to do it because of the gastric bypass surgery, but am freaking out. Mr. Salted gives me a hug and a kiss on the forehead where the cat scratched me. He is a mensch.

4:20 PM, 4/21/09. Feeling a bit calmer after having some downtime in a nice quiet room. Glad Mr. Salted is so supportive. REALLY want chocolate. Dreading group. Feeling bad for dreading group. Very, very tempted to skip group, but I paid cash on the barrelhead for it, so I know damn well that I will drag my carcass there. Mr. Salted says he understands and will still love me if I don’t go, which is nice. I still don’t want to go.

Edit, 9:49 PM, 4/21/09--Went to group. Unloaded. Got support. Am glad I went to group. Full of amazing, kind women. Made me remember I am one as well.