Light bulb

I'm thinking a little bit more about my nutritionist appointment yesterday. I was telling her how discouraged I was feeling and how hard it was to stick to a regimented diet plan as I have in the past. There was one period of time when I lost almost fifty pounds; this would have been around ten years ago. I managed to give up sweets for several months, with one exception: I kept a pint of Ben and Jerry's in my freezer and would allow myself one heaping tablespoon of it every day. "What's different between then and now?" she asked.

Let's review. I was then trying to lose weight and also to have a baby; I wanted to be a healthy mom and have a healthy child or children. I had just finished a Bachelor's degree in college at almost 29 years old--something I never, ever thought I would be able to do. I was madly in love with my former husband. I (foolishly) thought, "This is it! I am finally on my way to living the whole dream: the happy-family, successful-career, finally-got-it-right-after-going-through-the-fire, worked-my-ass-off-for-every-last-bloody-shred-of-it dream!" I was ten years younger. I was ten years less tired.

And then BOOM! I had a cancer scare. I got diagnosed with PCOS, type II diabetes, high cholesterol, and sleep apnea. I went on fertility drugs, which led to an ectopic pregnancy and several miscarriages. My best friend of 25 years died unexpectedly, and my divorce came out of left field--both completely blindsided me. Within a year of my divorce, I had to have a complete hysterectomy. All of these things happened in a two-year period of time. I was 32 years old.

What's different between then and now? I am trying to imagine what it would take for me to volunteer to lose one more thing I love.