Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Office temptation

What a crazy week. I went back to work for a former employer and hit the ground running--I'm only going to be doing twenty hours a week, per their budget and my availability, but I have three major medical appointments this week and a time-sensitive copywriting job just popped up at the same time. It's also Mr. Salted's birthday on Sunday. I'm *extremely* grateful for the work, but it would have been preferable to have some of it materialize during these interminable months I've been sitting here on my keester, writing down everything I eat and drink, and at times feeling as though I'm losing my mind.

The dentist appointment was Monday. The staff and dentist were great, but it was quite the ordeal. (Try to avoid having a crown cut off if you can--I don't recommend it.) It was about four hours in the chair for me--I had two fillings at the same appointment--and in the middle of it, high as a kite on nitrous oxide, I had to have more shots because they were grilling so deep. It hurt for a couple of days afterward. (On the other hand, "Wildfire" is a really pretty song on nitrous oxide. I had my iPod and my soft comforting blankie and my sunglasses, and I was watching the wild horses run past in the sunshine in my mind, just like that .38 Special video from the '80s.)

I saw the exercise physiologist today, don't have to see him again for months--I told him there was really no point until my ankle got repaired. I don't think he appreciated my bluntness (frankly, it's a rare man who does, and reader, I married him). Believe me when I say--and I can pretty much always say this and have it be true--I could have been a damn sight more blunt. I toyed with saying something more along the lines of, "Do you realize I could have just gotten a Bic and some twenties and had approximately the same outcome?" But, you know, I didn't want to be hurtful...wink.

Friday is the Queen Mama, the six-month nutritionist appointment, after which I visit the surgical center and we start to really hammer out some concrete details regarding the surgery--I HOPE. I fear we have to wait for insurance approval before we do a consarned thing. That's probably better--I won't have to be in 30-carb-a-day jail until I have an actual date to work with; I'm certainly not going to try to achieve that without a designated end in sight. My eating is going to be restrictive enough without THAT. (I must admit that I fear what I'm going to be like, living on that !@#$%&* organic chicken broth and very little else!)

Working in an office again has felt pretty good for the most part--I am lucky in that I don't have to answer the phone or deal with people other than coworkers. (Those were included in my terms when I agreed to help them out.) I am auditing files and doing paperwork--and I'm one of those weird people who would love to be locked in a room without other people and a bunch of papers all day, so everybody wins in the current scenario. I've felt more appreciated and competent in the last three days of temping than I did in more than two years actually working there as a full-time employee. Being there also reminds me of everything that made me quit; in terms of my continued health and sanity, it was definitely the best decision. It forces me to admit that the hardest decisions for me to make are the ones where I have to admit something is not for me--that I have somehow fallen short by not possessing the proper aptitude--and ultimately, any decision that involves self-care.

The hardest thing about temping hasn't been the teeny space I'm crammed into or getting up at oh-dark-thirty and being pleasant when I don't want to. The hardest thing about working in an office again? FOOD. I forgot about all the damn food! Two days back has already proven that my environment has a great deal to do with me being on or off track when it comes to eating properly. I think most of the women who work there are on some kind of diet, or trying to eat fairly healthy, but someone always has some evil-looking treat or some other food that smells absolutely amazing while I'm sitting there with my Muscle Milk Light, my raw carrots, my water, and my almonds. Today I finally broke down and ate one of those big frosted cookies from because it was just looking at me and I couldn't stand it another second. I asked the gal who brought it in to please hide them from me if she had any more, and I've told a couple of other people it is really hard for me to be around food that I can't have, so I usually don't eat lunch with everyone else. Someone brought in a huge bag of pretzels today, and I had no problem leaving those alone--it's always, always, ALWAYS the blankety-blanking-blank SUGAR!

When I was a full-time employee for this organization, I was a stress hog 24/7. I've written about it on this blog previously, how I used to come home and just lie in a darkened room every day and a lot of weekends because I simply had nothing left to give. I didn't want to talk on the phone or go anywhere or even get on the computer, and I was always sick or just wanted/needed more sleep. Being there again has really brought home to me exactly how much I used food to cope when I worked there. I always made an attempt to have healthy things like fruit and nuts around for snacks, but I also drank Jet Tea smoothies almost daily, along with iced mochas and Diet Coke (practically by the barrel). There were always cookies, doughnuts and cakes around, and lots of heart-attack-on-a-plate potlucks. Several of us in the office also had a habit/ritual where we would go and buy candy in the afternoons, when our blood sugar, patience, and compassion were waning the most. Just physically being there in those four walls this week actually made my brain believe it needed chocolate, and I had to really work to talk myself out of it. We also used to get fast food a lot on the fly, just to get out of the office for a few minutes--and because it was quick and easy. Tonight on the way home, I got dinner at Jack in the Box for the Mr. and I. I know in my logical mind I can't do that anymore post-op, but it is really hard to make sure there is enough produce and good fresh food around when you have about 2 milligrams of energy, knowing you have a long night ahead, and a long day before you the next day. Making time to go to the store all the time--and not just any store, but a "natural" store with the right kind of food--is going to be really tough to schedule in in real life.

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This blog focuses largely on a personal journey to and through weight-loss surgery. It's also about reading, writing, animals, photography, love, humor, music, thinking out loud, and memes. In other
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